In March 2001, a wonderful thing happened in my life. I met someone – someone who became very special. I was just minding my own business and going about my life as usual. I was in my junior year of college and keeping very busy with my studies as well as working part time. I was pretty active in my church and enjoyed hanging out with friends anywhere and everywhere. I was busy, but happy. I wasn’t going out with anyone in particular, but I had an active dating life and that was fun. Then suddenly out of the blue one evening, there he was. He just walked right into my life and I haven’t been the same since. His name is Brian.

My church had a large college group that met on Tuesday nights for a worship service. This was big and there were a lot of students from several colleges around the area that came to this weekly service (it has since been changed to encompass all young adults). New people were coming in all the time – that was normal. They would be greeted and introduced around and made to feel welcome because they were. One night Brian came for the first time with several friends from his school. I was acquainted with a couple of the guys he was with, but I had never seen him before. I noticed him when they came in, noticed that he was a good-looking guy (hey, that’s healthy), but then my thoughts were turned to other matters at hand.

When the big group split up into small groups, Brian and one of his friends wound up in the same small group I was in. His friend introduced him to us and I don’t remember exactly what Brian said, but I recall that he was confident and cheerful and witty and made us all laugh.

There were several times during the group discussion that he had something to add. He was pleasant and well-spoken and made eye contact with all of us. I remember thinking how charming and likeable this guy was. I remember that the times when I spoke he seemed to be watching and listening intently to me. There was one time while the group leader was talking that I sensed something and I looked around and Brian and I made eye contact. He smiled; I smiled back and then looked away. His smile was so…I don’t know how to describe it – it just made me feel good.

When small group was over, everyone would generally hang out for a while to socialize. I usually did, too because it was the only chance I had to talk to some of the friends that I’d met here that go to other schools, but tonight I had a lot of studying to do so I was leaving early. Usually my best friend, Julie and her boyfriend, Jeff were there too – in fact, we often rode together, but they weren’t there this night. I had said good-bye to a few people and then as I was out in the long hall walking toward the doors, I heard a voice some distance behind me. It was Brian. Our conversation went something like this:

He said, "Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

I stopped, turned around, and waited for him to catch up. I had no idea what he wanted.

He came up to me and said, "Hey, uh, I really enjoyed meeting you tonight."

"Well, thanks. I enjoyed meeting you, too. I’m glad you came."

Then he said, "Listen, uh, I’d like to get to know you better and I, uh, wondered if you’d go out with me this weekend."

Now usually when guys that I don’t know or barely know ask me out, they do it in a bold, aggressive, obnoxious sort of way and act like they’re doing me some sort of big favor or something. But Brian wasn’t acting like that. He was continuing to act in the same charming, likeable way that he had earlier. This kind of caught me off guard, but I’ve always made it a point never to go out with guys until I’ve known them a while. You know, at least long enough to know whether I think I’ll like them and that we’ll have fun together. That’s just me.

So I said, "Brian, that’s nice of you to ask, but we’ve just met. I need to know you better before I can accept an invitation like that. It’s just kind of a personal guideline that I always follow. I hope you understand."

He replied with a certain amount of disappointment in his voice, "Oh, yeah, sure, I understand. I guess maybe I was kind of rushing things a little bit. Maybe another time."

Then I smiled and said, "So-o-o-o, will I see you here next week?"

He responded with another one of those warming smiles and said, "Oh, yeah, definitely."

We parted company then as I headed on out to my car and he returned to his friends. As I was walking across the quiet parking lot, an inner voice – I guess it was my intuition – spoke to me. Unlike other times this has happened, it was unusually strong, as though it was almost audible as it said to me, ‘Don’t make the biggest mistake of your life.’ It’s rare that I notice something come through that clearly, but it was strong that night. I knew it was some sort of a message or warning about Brian, but what wasn’t clear was whether it meant stay away from him or don’t let him get away. I knew I needed to ponder it a lot more. My friend, Ann that I’ve written about before has often told me to listen to my intuition more. She tells me I need to stop thinking and reasoning so much and just trust my feelings. She’s pretty smart and she’s usually right about these kinds of things.

Anyway, Brian was there every week for the next several weeks. Over the course of each of those evenings, we would say hi and sometimes we’d visit a little – sometimes not. Then on about the fourth week when the service was over that evening, I was finishing up a conversation with some girl friends when Brian came up to me.

We visited for a minute or two and then he said very sincerely, "Listen, I know you really don’t know me much better now than you did that first night that we met, but I wondered if you’d consider going out with me this weekend if we doubled with your friends." He was speaking of Julie and Jeff. They were here on this night.

I said hesitantly, "Well…I don’t know what their plans are for this weekend."

To my surprise, he said confidently, "I do." And then as a response to the quizzical look on my face, he added, "I asked them. They could go Friday or Saturday night either one."

I suppose there was a certain amount of doubt in my voice when I replied, "I didn’t know you knew Julie and Jeff."

He replied, "I didn’t…until tonight. I introduced myself."

I glanced around the room for Julie. She and Jeff were over talking to some other people, but she was looking my way. She gave me one of her looks that said, ‘Well what are you waiting for, stupid - say yes!’

I turned back to Brian and said, "It seems you’ve been busy."

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I think you’re nice and I’d just like to get to know you."

He was definitely being persistent, but he was doing it in such a sweet, considerate way. There was no pushiness or aggressiveness – just honesty and sincerity. Can this guy be for real? I wondered. I had to chance it to find out. I smiled and said, "Well, what else can I say after all this? Yes, I’d like to go out with you."

"Good," he said with a hint of relief in his voice.

Then I added, "And…thanks for being so considerate."

That’s when he gave me another one of those smiles. (sigh) As I thought more about it, I could hardly believe he had gone to all that trouble - just for me! That was so sweet of him. Little did I know that that was just the beginning.

We then went over and joined Julie and Jeff and made our plans and visited for a while. We had a great time doubling with them later that week. I felt that Brian and I really hit it off well together. Apparently he felt the same way, because he asked me out again – and then again - and again and again. It didn’t matter in the least where we went or what we did. When we were together, we were hardly aware of much else at all. I began to find out that he indeed was for real. I had never met anyone like him before. I knew he was special right from the beginning, but I had no idea how he would affect me.

By now it was late in the semester and finals were almost upon us. As we became more acutely aware of how special our relationship was becoming, we were also acutely aware that he would be heading back to his hometown for the summer. He had a great summer job opportunity lined up – more like an internship – that was way too good to pass up. So we had that sense of dread hanging over our heads during those last few weeks of school that we had grown so close. What a cruel twist of fate! With that in the back of my mind all the time, I constantly told myself not to get too used to this. Don’t get too dependent. Don’t get too hooked, because he’ll be gone soon and then what are you going to do.

Another thought that was on my mind was that I should tell Brian about my naturist ideas and activities. I had told him everything else about me and I felt that he had done the same with me. I really didn’t want there to be any secrets between us, but whenever I thought about telling him, I knew that he would be leaving soon and we wouldn’t really have a chance to discuss it in depth as much as might be necessary. I felt that he would be surprised when he found out, but that he would understand and still be accepting of me. But somehow just saying, "Good-bye. I’ll miss you. I’m a nudist. See you in three months" didn’t seem like the way to go about it. So I just put it out of my mind. That would be something to discuss in the fall when he came back.

Looking past all the dread of losing him for the summer, my hopes were that we could somehow keep what we had and pick it up again where we left off when he came back to school in the fall. We talked about that and agreed that that was what we both wanted. Still, I felt like I was facing the prospect of a long, lonely summer with no real guarantees about the future.

And then that day came all too soon – the day he left to go home for the summer. He stopped by my place to say good-bye one last time. It was so hard. As I walked him back down to his car and we held each other there, neither of us wanted him to be going. But he had to. And as he drove off down the street, I waved and smiled trying to be the happy, cheery person he would look forward to coming back to. But then as soon as he turned the corner at the end of the block and was gone, I ran back upstairs and cried and cried until it was time for work.

This was the first summer that I hadn’t taken summer classes since I started college. I was on track to graduate in the coming spring and I really enjoyed not having to take summer classes. I was working full-time as a lifeguard at the community center pools where I had worked all through college and even had some management responsibilities to go along with that during the summer season. Without school, I had plenty of time to spend with friends whenever any of our erratic schedules lined up enough to allow it.

I was having fun, but still I definitely missed Brian. I mean, it’s not like we were together constantly before he left. He went to a different school than I did and he lived on campus there. It was about a half-hour drive to see each other and with each of us having ever-varying school, study, and work demands, we didn’t get to see each other every day. Sometimes several days would go by that we didn’t get to be together, but I always knew he was not too far away and we’d at least talk on the phone some every day.

Now all of a sudden he was five hours away in his hometown – a place I’d never been – and he had no plans to return until the fall semester. My biggest fear when he left was that we would slowly drift apart over the summer and not get back together when he came back to school. I didn’t know what the summer held or how being apart for three months would affect our relationship. It was all just too new to predict what was going to happen.

But I began to feel reassured right away when we found ourselves calling back and forth fairly frequently. Those local phone calls that we had taken for granted before he left were now long-distance calls and we both ran up some big-time phone bills.

We hadn’t talked about not going out with other people during the summer (or any other time for that matter), but I knew I wasn’t interested in dating anyone else. Not now, knowing that Brian was out there. Nobody else could compare now. Even if we couldn’t be together, I still didn’t want to be with anyone else. It turned out he felt the same way. In fact he brought it up by saying that he had no desire to go out with anyone else - and he said it without any stipulations or similar expectations of me.

Then after about a month, he surprised me. One of his friends from his school was getting married so he decided almost at the last minute to come back here for the weekend to attend the wedding. He said it was mainly just an excuse to see me. Whatever the reason, I was so happy!

I went with him to the wedding. Because he goes to a different school than I do, there were many of his friends there that I hadn’t met yet. We hadn’t ever referred to each other as boyfriend or girlfriend, but his friends kept asking him if I was "that girlfriend they’d heard about". He would answer yes and then introduce me. That happened several times and then straight out of the blue he introduced me to someone else as "my girlfriend, Sunny". Right after that, he turned to me and sort of apologetically said something to the effect of, "I hope I’m not being too presumptuous or anything by introducing you as my girlfriend." I felt like I was just beaming, but before I could answer, someone else came up and asked us whether we were friends of the bride or the groom. I quickly spoke first and said to them, "I don’t really know either one of them. I’m just here with my boyfriend. He’s a friend of the groom." I smiled and glanced at him as I continued talking to that person and I saw him smile back at me. The next think I knew his hand and mine seemed to find each other and we held hands as we continued to visit with people.

It was great being with him again. We had been apart for a month, but yet it seemed like we were now closer than ever. We spent as much time together as possible that weekend. Because his plans to come back came up on such short notice, I wasn’t able to clear my work schedule entirely, so he came by the pool during my lunch break the day I had to work. I showed him around (and off) and introduced him to a lot of the people I worked with. That sort of gave him a chance to see how and where I was spending most of my time during the summer. It also gave all the high school girls I worked with a chance to flirt with him and make little fools out of themselves (I, of course, never did anything like that!), but he handled it all very gracefully without too much embarrassment. Then all too soon, he was gone again. I didn’t want to just wish my summer away, but I couldn’t stop wishing that it was time for school to start so that he would be back and we could be together like before.

Now it was back to the phone calls for about another month and then surprise once again! He came back for a few days to attend a conference at his school. Again, it wasn’t something he had initially planned to do, but he did it anyway. His schedule was pretty full this time and didn’t allow us to be together as much as last time, but hey, every minute together counts and we took advantage of it.

And then there was yet a third surprise. Brian’s twenty-first birthday was coming up and he told me on the phone one night that he would like me to come over if I could. He said his parents were going to have a party (more like an open house) for him since this was a big milestone birthday. They told him to invite family, friends (old and new), former teachers, and anyone else that he felt had been a significant influence in his life. He said that he felt I belonged on that list! Wow! Needless to say, I made the long (very long) drive over, spent the weekend with him and his family, and attended the party.

I was kind of nervous about meeting his parents for the first time, but I shouldn’t have worried – it went really well. Everyone was so nice and made me feel so welcome. I also met his younger sister (soon to be 18) and a lot of his extended family and some of his friends that he grew up with and went to school with. I heard so many funny stories about things that he and his friends had done growing up. Everyone was laughing so hard as they all swapped stories around.

While I was there, his mom and I had a long get-acquainted talk. Brian and I (to ourselves) jokingly refereed to it as "the interview", but it wasn’t really like that at all. It was very friendly and she made me feel totally at ease with her. She said that she wanted to find out all about "the girl that was occupying so much of her son’s attention". So we talked.

I’ve noticed that often times when people know I’m an orphan (Brian had already told them all about that), they wonder if maybe I have no roots – like I’m sort of a vagabond or something. So I freely open up and volunteer a lot of information about my past and my parents - not because I want their sympathy or anything like that, but because often they are uncomfortable bringing it up themselves for fear that I might be uncomfortable talking about it. But I’m not, so we talked and talked and I told her all about my past and my upbringing and showed her some pictures that I always carry with me of my parents and me (braces and all) and of my uncle and aunt that were my guardians. It was all very friendly and I liked her. Brian told me later that she liked me, too. Whew! I was so glad.

Getting to be with Brian in the home he grew up in and spending time with his family and friends gave me a much deeper familiarity with him. I mean, I felt like I really knew him before, but now with all this additional background, I felt like I really knew much more about him and about who he was. And the more I knew, well, the more I liked!

But then like our other two times together that summer, the time flew by and it was time for me to go home. This time it was me getting in the car after one last kiss and long embrace and driving down the street and turning the corner. I found that it didn’t hurt any less this way either.

During the long drive home, I had a lot of quiet time alone in the car to think. I left the stereo off and just let my mind process all that had happened during my visit that weekend. It had been a wonderful time just as any time with Brian always was, but now as I thought about him in conjunction with his family and friends, the things I now knew about him and the kind of person that I knew he was had so much more depth to it. It was probably after a couple of hours of solitary driving and pleasantly mulling over all that had happened over the weekend that I became aware of a feeling – a deep feeling - an emotion. It felt good and it made me happy and it was really all consuming. I knew it stemmed from my fondness for Brian, but yet it was more than that – much more than that. I guess I was finally accepting as fact what I knew was inevitably over-taking me – I was in love with him. I mean, I knew he was special right from the start and I knew that I loved being with him more than anything, but I guess it was knowing that we had to be apart for the summer that had caused me to sort of put a wall around my heart so that he wouldn’t get too close. I guess that was just a form of subconscious self-defense. But this weekend, the wall gave way. Brian now had my heart. It was nothing I did; it was nothing he did – at least not on purpose. He was just being his usual sweet self.

As I thought more about all this, I wondered what had changed that had pushed me over the edge? What was different now? Certainly not him. If not him, then it must be me. So what’s different now about me? Well, I knew more about him now. I now knew his parents and other family members. I knew more of his friends. I knew where he grew up. But why should any of that make such a difference? I wasn’t reaching any conclusions, but I was enjoying the beautiful feelings. I’d been in love before, but it had been awhile and it was nothing like this. This was all consuming. This filled me. This permeated my being. This…could change me.

Then a thought entered my head that caused me to panic: how does he feel about me?! I know he likes me – he tells me that and I can see it in his actions. But does he love me? If not now, will he? Ever? Or what if he doesn’t want me to be in love with him? What if he wants things to stay like they were at the end of the semester? I wrestled with these thoughts for a time all the while wondering why I always think I always have to think so much. Why do I think I have to analyze everything to pieces and figure out all the answers right up front? What if there aren’t any exact answers – then what? And round and round I went with myself the rest of the way home.

At long last, I arrived home. Brian wanted me to call as soon as I got back to let him know I’d made it OK. I knew he would be watching the clock and expecting my call, but I wanted to get a couple of things out of the way first so that I’d have more time to talk with him. I called my uncle and aunt to let them know I had made it back OK. They knew I was going and wanted to hear how it went so we talked for just a little bit.

Then just as I was about to dial Brian’s number, I changed my mind and decided to call my friend, Ann first to talk about all the things I’d been thinking and feeling on the way back. I knew I could always count on her for wisdom, perception, and advice. This time, although surprising, would prove to be no different.

When I heard her pick-up and say hello, I said, "Hey, it’s me."

"Oh, Hi! Did you just get back?"

"Yeah."

"So how was it?!" she asked excitedly.

"It was good. I had a great time."

"And how did meeting the parents go?" Ann asked in an ominous sounding voice just to be funny. "I know you were worried about that."

"Oh, that went fine. They’re very nice and they made me feel completely welcome. I like them. I shouldn’t have been so worried."

"I know. And how could they not like you," she declared.

"I don’t know," I answered deep in thought about what I really wanted to talk to her about. Then I said, "Ann, I’ve been thinking. I’ve always liked Brian – even right from the beginning – but on the way home today I realized that…well…I’m in love with him."

"Yeah. So?"

"What do you mean, ‘so?’ This is a big deal." I couldn’t believe she was just blowing me off with a flippant response to what to me was a serious concern.

She responded, "Sure, it’s a big deal, but it’s nothing new. I could see that you were in love with him for quite a while now. So could Jim."

"What?!"

"Yeah. When we were camping last time, the way you talked about Brian, the things you said, your expression when you talked about him. It was pretty obvious, girl. Later, Jim said to me, ‘Boy, she’s really fallen for this one, hasn’t she?’."

"Oh, how embarrassing," I said feeling so exactly that.

"Oh, don’t worry about it," Ann said and then added laughing, "Jim’s more perceptive than most guys, you know. I trained him, remember?"

I laughed, too, but then quickly turned serious again. "But Ann, why did I just realize this about Brian now – you know, after being over there this weekend. What’s different now? He wasn’t any different than he has been before. I mean, I got to know his parents and sister and some of his friends that he grew up with – and that’s all well and good – but that alone wouldn’t affect my feelings for him – would it?"

"Well-l-l-l-l…yeah…I can see how it might," Ann said being serious, too. "Getting to meet his family and friends that he grew up with and seeing him in his home would give you a deeper understanding of him. You’d come away knowing him much better. Of course, you already knew him well, but this weekend at his home with his family and friends would just sort of add depth and confirmation to what you already knew."

"Yeah, maybe that’s it," I said. "So maybe I’m not crazy."

"I never said that," Ann responded laughing at her own joke.

I laughed, too, but again turned serious and asked, "But Ann…what do I do now?"

"What does your heart tell you to do?"

"It says…embrace it…and…tell him."

"Well, there ya go," Ann said as if there could be no other answer.

"But what if he doesn’t feel the same way?!" I asked in a panicky sort of way.

"But what if he does?!" Ann fired right back.

"Oh, I don’t know; I don’t know," I said in desperation.

"Your head doesn’t, but your heart does," she said. "This is a matter of the heart. Let you heart drive on this one. Tell your brain to give it a rest."

"You’re probably right," I admitted. She always is.

"Just trust you feelings, Sunny. You’ll be fine," Ann told me confidently.

"I hope so," I responded unconfidently.

"I know so," she said. "And Sunny?"

"What?"

"I’m so happy for you!" she exclaimed with such excitement it almost startled me.

"Oh, Ann, thanks," I said.

"And I hope he realizes just how lucky he is to have your love. Very lucky."

"Thanks," I said. "We’ll see. I can’t wait for you guys to meet him sometime."

"I’m looking forward to it. We’ll figure something out after school starts, OK?"

"Yeah," I answered. "Well, I’d better call him. He’s probably watching the clock."

"OK. Well, let me know how it goes! This is exciting!" Ann said sounding so upbeat about it.

"OK. Thanks so much. You’re a great friend. Bye."

"Bye!"

I put down the phone and paused for a moment to collect my thoughts. Ann was right. She always is. I needed to just tell Brian. Yeah. Just tell him. It’s about him so he needs to know. It was just that I felt so vulnerable putting my heart out there like that. But if I couldn’t trust Brian, who could I trust? I could trust him. I knew that. He’s proven that. Even if he didn’t feel the same way about me, he wouldn’t hurt me. I knew he wouldn’t. I was glad I had talked to Ann. I’m so thankful for her friendship. And I hoped I would still feel the same after the call.

I picked up the phone and as I hit the speed-dial for Brian’s number I was thinking, OK, here goes.

I heard one ring and then, "Hello." It was him!

"Hey, I’m back," I said. "Safe and sound."

"Oh, good. Did everything go OK? I was beginning to wonder if you’d had car trouble or something. What took you so long?" he asked in a concerned manner.

"I don’t know. Maybe I don’t drive is fast as you," I said in a kidding manner.

"That’s probably best," he responded in a lighter tone.

"That’s definitely best!" we both said together laughing.

Then in a softer voice he said, "I miss you. I missed you the minute you got in your car and drove off."

"That’s sweet. I miss you, too. I wish you were here right now," I said.

"Me, too. But…soon."

"Can’t be too soon for me."

"Me either."

There was a pause in the conversation and just when I was about to start talking about what I needed to say, he resumed the conversation by saying, "Sorry my little sis’ was such a…pill - shall we say? – this weekend."

"It’s OK," I said. "She’s probably just not used to having another girl in the house. It probably seemed like I was invading her territory or something."

"Yeah, maybe. But still, she should have been nicer to you."

"It’s OK," I said again. "She was starting to warm up to me this morning. Besides, when she starts college in a few weeks and starts living in a dorm, that’ll probably grow her up a little."

"I hope so," he said.

Another pause and then again when I was about to start, he said, "Sure is a long drive, isn’t it?"

"Yeah," I answered. "Now I know what you go through each time."

"Yeah. But at least you had those CD’s that I loaned you to listen to on the way back. How’d you like them?"

"Oh, I didn’t listen to them. I will, though."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess having to run your Discman through that car kit into your stereo kind of sucks. All those cords all over the place."

"Yeah, but that’s not why," I responded. "I was just thinking."

"That’s a lot of think time. You’ve probably got all of the world’s problems figured out by now, don’t you."

"No, not really," I said. I was in a contemplative sort of mood as I thought about how to lead in to what I wanted to talk about, but he was more into just a small-talk sort of mood.

"So just what did you think about all that time, Einstein?"

"You," I said simply and matter-of-factly.

"Me?! There’s not that much to figure out about me."

"I think there is."

"Sunny, I think about you all the time, too," he said changing his tone to be a little more serious.

"Listen, Brian, this weekend was really special," I said and then knowing that what I was about to add would commit me to telling him the rest, I continued with, "and I realized something driving back today."

"Oh yeah? What’s that?" he asked without a clue to what was coming next.

I had to tell myself to just keep going. It’s too late to back out now. "Brian…I…uh-h-h…you know what?" Oh no! I can’t believe I just said, ‘you know what?’ like I was going to tell him something trivial like the sky is blue or something! How lame is that! Oh well – gotta keep going – too late to turn back now. Deep breath. Say it. Just SAY it! JUST SAY IT!!! "I love you."

There. It was out. I was out there – I felt like I was falling through space waiting to hear what his reaction would be. But he wasn’t saying anything! Silence. Oh no! I did the wrong thing! He’s surprised. He’s shocked. He’s upset. OH NO! What have I done?!!

"Sunny," he said after what seemed like an eternity even though it was probably only a second or two. Then after another little pause he continued with, "I…I love you."

What did he say?! Did he say what I think he said?! I think he did! But does he mean it? Or is he just being nice because he feels sorry for me! But instead of saying any of that, I just said, "Oh, Brian," as I felt my eyes filling with tears.

He said, "I guess maybe I’ve known that for a while now, but it really hit me today…as you drove away. It was like part of me got yanked out when you turned the corner. It hurt. That probably doesn’t make any sense. But anyway, I couldn’t wait for you to call. I’ve been trying to figure how I was going to tell you…that…ever since you left."

"Brian, that’s so sweet. I was worried about how to tell you, too."

"Isn’t it funny – the things we worry about for nothing."

"Yeah, I know," I said believing I must be the world’s worst about that. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Sunny," he said with such sincerity I could sense it through the phone. " You know, I just can’t believe it - you’re something else. It seems like you’re always way ahead of me."

"I can’t believe it either," I responded. Then after a brief pause, I asked, "Brian, why do you love me?"

With no delay at all, he answered, "Because you’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. You’re kind, caring, compassionate, pleasant, intelligent - not to mention beautiful. And I guess when I saw you this weekend – you know, here – and saw you just fitting in so well and saw how much everybody liked you – not that that surprised me; I knew they would – but, I guess that’s what opened my eyes. Seeing you fitting in here in the place where I know I fit in. I guess that’s when I knew it for sure."

Then a pause and he must have heard me sniffle, because he said softly, "Uh-oh. Crying?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Happy tears, I hope?"

"Mm-hmm. Very."

"I’m happy, too. You make me happy."

"So-o-o, what now?" I asked.

"Well, let’s see, if you jump in your car right now and head this way and I jump in mine and head that way, we could be together in, like, a couple hours or so."

I laughed knowing that even as much as we wanted to be together right then, we were going to have to wait a couple more weeks.

Those next couple of weeks seemed like forever, but they finally passed and then Brian was back to stay. It was so nice to see him nearly every day again and know that even when we couldn’t be together we were never too far apart. We hadn’t just picked up where we left off; we had continued to grow so much closer through the summer and I felt like our relationship was flourishing. I felt like I was flourishing. I had never felt so happy and so complete. We were like best friends, but we were so much in love, too. I had a hard time concentrating on school and often found myself daydreaming about him.

But there was one thing weighing heavily on my mind and that was that I hadn’t yet told him about my naturist mind-set and about all my naturist activities. By the time I had felt we were close enough to talk about that in the spring, the semester was nearly over and he was about to leave for the summer. The timing wouldn’t have been good, but now that we were back together, I needed to tell him. I wanted to tell him. I didn’t want there to be any secrets between us. This was the only thing he didn’t know about me and I wanted him to know everything. I felt like he would surely understand, but I wanted to tell him at just the right time under just the right circumstances so that I could fully explain why I felt the way I did and how I got to where I am.

I had visited with Ann about all this seeking her advice. Her advice was "just tell him." and that probably would have worked and would have saved me a lot of worry. I felt like he was going to be OK with it. Oh sure, he was going to be surprised – maybe even a little shocked, but I knew he wasn’t going to break up with me over it or anything extreme like that. But still, I was nervous about telling him because I wanted to present it and my involvement in it in the most positive way possible. I just wanted to make sure that I could tell him when we had lots and lots of time to discuss it. I wanted to tell him everything about why I did it and what it meant to me and how I had come to that point. I already knew that he was open to new ideas and that we could (and did) talk about anything and everything. He’s such a great conversationalist. He’s by far the more out-going and talkative of the two of us.

Julie had, of course, offered her advice on how I should tell him. I, of course, had kept her apprised of all that was going on with Brian and me during the summer. Her approach was more or less the same as Ann’s only with less tact - just blurt it straight out of the blue the next time we were together, but I didn’t want do it that way. Jeff had been away for the summer, too, and when he got back, the three of us talked about how I felt I wanted to go about telling Brian. They were very understanding and supportive and offered to help in any way I wanted them to. They had no problems with him knowing that three of us had been in this together for quite some time. Interestingly enough, this discussion took place as the three of us hiked across "the pasture" one afternoon in early September.

So as classes began again and all the studying and other activities began to increase, I was biding my time and watching for just the right opportunity to present itself; just the right lead in to gracefully bring up the subject. I wanted us to just sort of flow into it – you know, naturally. That would be so appropriate. I knew I would be so glad once it was finally out in the open. I just wanted there to be complete openness and trust between us – no secrets. I already felt like I knew everything about him. He never held anything back. Each day I was becoming more and more aware that Brian and I had something so very special going on and I didn’t want anything standing in the way.

But then came the terrible tragedies of September 11. Our hearts and minds were consumed by the horror, shock, and sadness. I could hardly think of anything else for a couple of weeks or so and when I did, I had to focus on keeping up with school and work. Brian was very much affected by all of this, as well, and there were times that we talked in depth about what impact all of this might have on our hopes and dreams and what we could do about it. In light of that, the thought of sharing my naturist ideas with him never even entered my mind during that time. It seemed very unimportant compared to everything else, but as time went by, it began to surface again in my mind as a priority that I needed to address.

But even though it was now on my mind again, the days continued to slip by and the opportunity to talk to Brian about my naturist proclivities never seemed to come up. I wondered if maybe I was being too complacent and that maybe I just needed to force myself to address the issue. I was thinking that maybe I just needed to give myself a deadline like I do on all the other things I need to get done and treat it like that. I had finally decided that that was the approach I needed to take when suddenly something happened that made it no longer necessary for me to force the issue.

Julie. That’s right – my best friend, although sometimes I wonder. Here’s what happened. The four of us were out together one night and we were on our way over to a movie complex. We didn’t double very often, but when we did we always had a fun time. We were in Brian’s ride cruising along and she and Jeff were in the back. This was in the fall when you never know whether the evening will be warm or cold and so you never quite know what to wear. This evening was turning out to be on the warm side and Julie decided she needed to take off the sweater she was wearing. As she was struggling there in the limited space of the car to pull it off over her head, the top she had on underneath came up a ways along with the sweater. It wasn’t any big deal, but Jeff made some kind of goofy remark about her flashing us or something like that. Julie started off to respond innocently enough by just laughing and saying, "Oh, sorry," but then instantly followed up in a louder, more pronounced tone just to be sure she was heard, "Guess it’s just the nudist in me coming out..."

When I turned around to give her a disapproving look, she met my gaze straight on and deliberately with complete arrogance added, "…again." How brash, bold, and reckless! I couldn’t believe it!!

This happened so fast that Jeff was caught off guard and he snickered trying to stifle a laugh. I glanced at him and then back at her to show my surprise and disapproval. Julie and I have been best friends for a long time and we are able to communicate highly cerebral, intelligent thoughts in a split-second with simply a glance between us that would take maybe thousands of words to convey verbally. The thought that I was communicating to her just then loosely translated was, Shut up!

She instantly responded with a glance that conveyed an equally highly cerebral and intelligent thought that loosely translated said, Make me!

By now, Jeff knew that Julie and I often communicated this way, but poor Brian didn’t have a clue yet. Anyway, we went on from there with lots of conversation. Julie’s little remark had come and gone so fast that I didn’t think Brian had any idea that there was anything more to it than it just being another one of her little goofs meant to entertain herself and those around her. And she was in rare form that night anyway – even for her – and just kept cracking us up over and over again.

After the movie, we came back and dropped off Julie and Jeff. Then Brian and I decided to go someplace quiet to get some coffee and talk. I had grown to love those times when we just talked about whatever was on our minds. He always had so many interesting and sometimes funny things to say and he would always pay so much attention to whatever I had to say. Even when I wasn’t quite sure how to put my thoughts into words, he was patient and interested and encouraging.

We got our coffee, found a small, unoccupied table where it was fairly quiet, and sat down and got comfortable. We started off talking some more about the movie – neither of us had liked it much and neither had Julie and Jeff for that matter. In fact, Julie had talked a lot during it and before it was over she was "interacting" with the actors and cracking us up, but I’m sure that if anyone else could hear her, they probably found it annoying. I mentioned something to that effect to Brian.

"They weren’t the only ones," he replied implying that he, too, was a little annoyed.

"Yeah, she was going pretty strong tonight," I agreed. "I’m sorry if she got on your nerves."

"Forget it," he said. "It doesn’t usually bother me. But sometimes…" He trailed off.

"I know," I said picking it up. "I can understand. I guess I could talk to her and ask her to lighten up a little, but…"

"No, no, don’t do that," he interrupted me and laughed. "That’d just egg her on."

"That’s for sure," I said laughing, too, knowing full well how Julie thinks and acts.

He went on. "Don’t get me wrong. I know she’s your best friend and I like her and all – I do. And some of the stuff she says really is a hoot. She’s quick. But sometimes, I guess maybe it’s a little too much or I can’t keep up or something. She just kinda gets on my nerves." And then almost as an after thought, he added, "And oh yeah, what’s up with that stupid remark she made on the way over about a nudist or something? Did I miss something? I felt like something went over my head."

Bam! There it was – a lead in; a segue; an opening. It wasn’t exactly what I was expecting, but I needed to make the best of it. I told myself, be calm. Compose yourself. Be confident. Be self-assured. You love him. He loves you. It’ll be OK. Now is the time; this is the place. He needs to know. You need to tell him.

I guess my pause before responding and my change of expression tipped Brian off that maybe he had indeed missed something. Had it not been for that, I probably could have simply glossed over his question and nothing would have come of it. But that wasn’t what I wanted to happen – not with him; not with us. That’s not the way people who love each other deal with issues. During the split-second that all these thoughts raced through my head, my feelings went from panic initially to a calm feeling of openness and trust and self-assurance and confidence that this was the right thing to do. So as his expression changed more to a look of expectation for an explanation from me, I took a breath and feeling surprisingly calm I looked into his eyes and said, "Yeah, babe, I need to clue you in on some things."

End - Part 1 of 4